*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
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My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
My friend got stung by a jellyfish so I took a massive shit on his leg & he forgot all about the jellyfish.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?
You do now.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.