Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
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Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Why does marriage have to be so hard?
My wife: Where did you get this number?
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.
I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
Close call…
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.