Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
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From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
[15mins into yard work]
my body: yeah… no.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Body: we’re going to bed
Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
As long as McDonald’s doesn’t make us pay with excercise.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.