*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
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You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
How to eat French fries:
1) Eat all the good ones.
2) Leave the yucky ones and feel superior.
3) Wait 5 minutes.
4) Eat all the yucky ones.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Me: If you want to be a Jedi, you have to follow strict rules.
Rey: Like what?
Me: Don’t hook up with anyone. They might be related.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
8 wanted to play candy land but I told her I didn’t want to move out of my chair so she played for me & I won 3 out of 4, how can I make life like this
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.