People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
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“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
professor x: whats your superpower?
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*