I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
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Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
i’d like to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by the grand canyon
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
[Shopping for Deodorant]
I’m gonna get the same kind I always do, but I better sniff it first to make sure I still like it.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone