@TheWoodenslurpy
@Old_Pat_Bren “I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
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@Old_Pat_Bren 
@badsandwich Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
@DaddyJew Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
@TinaMav I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
@theAtomicDon People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
@SteveDutzy Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
@FU_Scopely The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
@living_marble None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead
@rubyetc #have a #great #PancakeDay
@MattMcC1 “We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall