I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.

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Alexa, put me to sleep

“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”


I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.


People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?


Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.

Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s


None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead


“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall