@TheWoodenslurpy

I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.

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@DaddyJew

Alexa, put me to sleep

“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”

@TinaMav

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

@theAtomicDon

People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?

@SteveDutzy

Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.

Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s

@living_marble

None for me. I’ll eat when I’m dead
“You don’t understand how that saying works, do you?”
I’ll understand how the saying works when I’m dead

@MattMcC1

“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall