You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
You Might Also Like
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Children of the corn 🌽
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
cat faces on other animals, a thread
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.