[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
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Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
Accidentally put Red Bull in my coffee maker this morning. I was going 130 mph down the interstate when I realized that I forgot my car.
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
“It’s not about who’s right or wrong.”
~ The person that is wrong
[apocalypse]
Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly
Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world
Day 69: LOL 69
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
Offered my daughter $30.00 to help me get the house clean for our bbq tomorrow.
She hired her younger brothers for $5 each to do her work.
🤦🏻♀️
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”