me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
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there are many humans in the household right now. and they all seem to have snacks. so i’m going to convince each and every one of them. that i have not eaten. in several weeks
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Everyone: We’re concerned about you.
Me: *snorting crushed up smarties off the back of a public toilet* why tho?
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Lmao
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that