Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
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A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
FRIEND: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
INTERNET: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
DOCTORS: Weighted blankets are great for anxiety
ME: [trapped & unable to escape from a weighted blanket] Well, I do feel anxious
Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
that wasn’t the question
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket