A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
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ME: You coming to the party?
FRIEND: Will it be rad?-
M: -ish.
F: I guess I’ll come.
[Later at the radish party]
F: I think I misunderstood
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Her: I’m not going to keep pausing the movie to explain it to you
Me: I just have a hard time understanding
Her: they’re in that position bc he delivered the pizza but she doesn’t have any money
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.