Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
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When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
A short story about romance.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.