Apparently, when you supply HR with a urine sample, it has to be because they requested it.
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If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Once in my life I’d like a password or username prompt to be all, “Shit you’ve almost got it. You’re getting closer.”
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
Are these grass-fed oranges?
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
When the birds sing at 4 am it’s “beautiful” and “a part of nature” but when I do it, it’s all “shut up or I’ll call the cops”, and “why is it always Bell Biv Devoe.”
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts