My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
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I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
I just convinced my toddler to play Rock Paper Scissors alone because she was cheating and she just quit against herself because she was cheating
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
Doctor: “You have a blockage in your small & large intestine”
Barista: …
Barista: …
Doctor: *Sigh* “Ok, Tall & Venti intestine.”
Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.
Breaking news:
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Well, this explains it:
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
Oh. My. God.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday