If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
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They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Only Americans understand
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I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
ME:I dunno why I try dialogue tweets.
ME: Me neither.
ME: Who neither
ME: You
ME: Which you? Me you or you you?
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
Once this giraffe adoption comes through, my days of cleaning gutters are over.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
My son played a song in the car and I actually liked it. Hell has frozen over.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
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