If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
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ME: We’re all out of beef
CHEF: In that case, I need you to grill the chicken
ME [rolling sleeves up] you think that little shit knows something?
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
“How deep should we make the shelves in this shower wall?”
“Hmm.. deep enough to hold the shampoo, but shallow enough so that a rogue current of air could send the contents of the shelf plummeting onto the person’s toes while they shower.”
“Perfect.”
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Please give us space to grieve as I “made” my 7 yr old lose his basketball video game this morning by asking his brother if he wants watermelon with his French toast in the next room.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
Breaking news:
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Finishing a book is like saying goodbye to an old friend. Finishing a show you binge-watched is like staggering out of a motel where you’ve been holed up for 24 hours with someone you met while trying to score crack.
“No mom, do not stuff shrimp in your purse for “later”
And other things I thought I’d never have to say to my 85 yr old mother at a buffet..
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?