New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
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Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*My neighbor: Good Morning!
Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*