@FlyJ_

You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?

Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.

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@iwearaonesie

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No

@icecube

Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…

@thepunningman

[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]

@MelvinofYork

It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive

@VerbsRProudest

If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”

@AnniemuMary

Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?

@_AmandaLou_

Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.

@daemonic3

MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE

ME: Dude, are you ok?!

MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR

ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!

@LurkAtHomeMom

Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.

@LuvPug

I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen