Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
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– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
There are usually two types of merchants.
Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
I work like this:
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
I saw nothing
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
[CON WALKS FREE]
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.