Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
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Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
🤣
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
“I can’t find this book on the shelf.”
“I’m sorry, it looks like we don’t have that book in the library system.”
“But you had this book five years ago!”
“Sir, I had so many things five years ago.”
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
My cat walks down the steps in front of me like he’s the beneficiary of my life insurance.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
Morning sickness, but instead of being pregnant you just find mornings repulsive.
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
I want what they have
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave