Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_

– MILKMAN!!

– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”

MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.

good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler

I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.

Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)

police: DROP YOUR WEAPON

me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground

There are usually two types of merchants.

Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.

I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.

“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.

Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood

daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?

“I dunno, time travel”

time travel isn’t real

“neither is Santa, go to bed”

If a woman asks you to buy her a flamethrower ask yourself some questions before you buy it.

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.

I saw nothing

I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs

If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

[home depot]

ME: do you have marble counters?

CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9

ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000

[running into my ex while shopping]

Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.

Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.

*lays head on homeless guys lap*

“You would not believe the day I had”

[DEATH ROW]
WARDEN: Last meal?
CON: Just a glass of lemonade please
*Drinks lemonade/Burps*
WARDEN: Pardon
[CON WALKS FREE]
W: SHIT

Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.

This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds

Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.

Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?

Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.

There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree

All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.

manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”

I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.