“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
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“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Whenever I see a Toyota Prius pulled over for speeding the first thing I look for is a ACME rocket mounted on the roof.
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
🤔😂😂
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
I’m supposed to be afraid of you because you are a twitter badass? What are you going to do, caps lock me?
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.