I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
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Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
never forget
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them