The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
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If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”