I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
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*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
My husband is BBQing outside in the dark, in the snow, wearing a headlamp.
Because Canadian.
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
I’m literally crying
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
me: ah shit, 4 missed calls from my mom…[stares at door]
[FBI agents kick in door] WHY DO U EVEN HAVE A CELL PHONE IF U NEVER ANSWER IT
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.