how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
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Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
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Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu