My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
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*phone rings*
Yoda: Yoda
Luke: WTF VADER’S MY DAD?
Y: Uh
L: And you knew & told me to kill him?
Y:
L:
Y: Going thru a tunnel I am
*hangs up*
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
*Arrives at ticket stall with my girl* Me: Two tickets to the movie please. Attendant: For The Hobbit? Me: No, that’s my girlfriend.