I’m doing the lords work (judging)
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Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
Oh sure you’re having a bad day, but did you buy grapes with seeds by mistake?
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
Freaky Friday 2:
The mom and daughter switch bodies again
The mom doesn’t go back
She keeps stealing children’s bodies
She lives forever
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
*jazz hands*
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
*tries to wave goodbye to the genie without spilling my 3 giant milkshakes*
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
Never let them know your next move 😂
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok