WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
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ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
ME:
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AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
to discover what’s going on with justin bieber we caught up with his manager scooter braun, who is named after two different types of razors
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Oops
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*