Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
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When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
Me: Sorry I make bad decisions when overwhelmed
Burnt neighbor who just said hi to me: but why do you have a flamethrower in the first place?
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
I can tell how much my company cares by their willingness to schedule a meeting, outside of work hours, to discuss how better to manage work/life balance
I have a hot tub built for two. Unfortunately, my body fits it perfectly now.
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
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Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
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Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.