Elderly woman at bus stop just said my son was “beautiful.” UM STEP OFF PERVERT UR LIKE 40x HIS AGE cc: @LAPD
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“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!