i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
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WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
4: How do you spell no?
Me: Sound it out. What makes the na na na na na na na na na sound?
4: Batman?
(Spelling is hard)
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs