If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
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[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
The partisan media is ONCE AGAIN twisting my words, so let me make this perfectly clear: I am NOT a little teapot. The video clips being circulating showing me stamping my feet and repeatedly insisting that I AM a little teapot have been taken out of context.
You know what this new carpet needs? For me to open a tube of blue toothpaste, and jump up and down on it.
– My 4yo. Apparently.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
[at the club]
Me: …everyone seemed to be just fine with Superman wearing red knee high boots
Her: Just take them off
What about second breakfast?
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that