wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
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[doorbell]
delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
The most unbelievable thing about Die Hard is that the office Christmas Party is happening on Christmas Eve.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
just overheard someone on the train ask another passenger where they got their elf ears because they the perfect “sort of weirdly shaped but weirdly realistic pair” and folks, they were not elf ears
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.