[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
You Might Also Like
A good way to meet all of your neighbors at once is to take the trash out, in your pajamas.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
The sacred texts.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
crying
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
I dropped food on the floor and my dog got excited but it was just tomato. I catfished my dog
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
This made me chuckle cuz mood
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.