This made me chuckle cuz mood
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Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Day 1 of being kidnapped.
Kidnappers are now offering my husband a ransom to take me back.
Husband is asking for more money.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
🎶 I’m a cat, boy / in a sealed box I hide / I’m Wanted / dead and alive!
– Bon Schröedi
Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY