I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
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The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
No, Autocorrect ….
the lovely bride was not wearing
a SATAN trimmed lace ensemble –
though she can be devilish at times.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
My child is tall enough to reach light switches.
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday. You fucking cry on the clock. Don’t let capitalism win.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.