Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.

NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”

Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.

[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*

Me: I have a case of the Mondays.

Lawyer: that’s not a thing.

Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.

Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.

Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*

Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.

Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula

Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.

If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.

I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*

[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”

ME: *Lips on mic* No.

JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?

Jesus: Time for a miracle!

Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch

Jesus:

Puritan:

Jesus: who likes fish

There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.

8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.

Me: You were only at school for two days.

8: You weren’t there.

Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house

In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.

You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On

If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.

I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.

Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.

*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”

Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.

Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.

MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?