I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
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Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
why would tinder want me to say this
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Writer joke:
Wife: “You need to do more chores around the house”.
Husband: “Can we change the subject?”
Wife: “Ok, more chores around the house need to be done by you.”
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord