Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
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Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
How animals would run if they were human
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow