She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
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Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
We’re gonna catapult that guy into next Tuesday!
Pedant: Actually…
[pedant being being hurled across the sky via trebuchet]
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
me: ever heard of quasimodo
him: doesn’t ring a bell
me: i assure you he does
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Every time a cop pulls me over I get nervous because I think they’re finally going to arrest me for those hotel towels I stole while vacationing.
why would tinder want me to say this
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)