I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
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can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess