I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
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That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
just a heads-up any of you wander onto my property and say “hi! i’m from twitter!” i’m turning on the sprinklers
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
son: is this microwave friendly?
me: [patting microwave] yes he is
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
ramen noodles. roman numerals. raman numeroodles.
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales