In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
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It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Airlines need to freakin’ make up their mind abt the temp of the plane once n for all.
1st flight was so freakin’ cold, I could see my soda freeze as I was drinking it n now the 2nd one is throwing so much hot air like I wanna lie naked rn!!!
#travelling
#AmericanAirlines
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
“A computer keyboard has more bacteria than a toilet seat.” I don’t doubt it, given the shit my boss sends us in email.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Please go back into your caves. I was wrong about it being safe to come out.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
Beer keg at party
-boring
-played out
-there are better ways to drink beerThe keg is full of soup
-now we’re talkin baby
-let’s party
-soup