ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
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whenever I feel bad for not wanting to get out of bed I remember it took animals like 150 million years to leave the ocean for the first time and I can relax again, like what’s the rush
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
My neighbor is mowing his lawn.
There is snow on the ground.
[locks doors]
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
We’ve known each other for a while now and we both feel a deep connection. I think we’re ready to take this to the next level. Tonight I’m going to explain the metric system to you.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
If Miley doesn’t get her shit together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college