Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
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Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone