@DaddyBeerGuy Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
@ArfMeasures ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
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@DaddyBeerGuy 
@Juststopkate Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
@Marlebean Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
@elisemarie91 Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
@imdaintyaf Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
@XplodingUnicorn I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
@Lilblack_heart roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
@Rollinintheseat Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
@GringoBrulee Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
@brendohare Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone