If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
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Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!