quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
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getting groceries
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
where the womens at?
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
The Lion King is my favorite movie about how having a karate wielding monkey can completely change your life.
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”