*30 years into the Apocalypse*
Grandson – Before phones what did you do for fun?
*Pulls out faded extremely warn hacky sack*
Me – This shall be the best thing I bestow upon you. I also have a random shampoo bottle you can read while you poo.
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i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick