Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
You Might Also Like
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Lost my job naming hurricanes after 3 ex-girlfriends called & complained. In hindsight, including their last names may have been a bad idea.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
not for long
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Of all the things I’m not allowed to use, I guess it’s the chainsaw that hurts the most.
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
Her: I want you to tie me up.
Me: Sure!
Her: Blindfold me.
Me: OK!
Her: Now, tease me a bit.
Me: Your nose is big & your teeth are crooked.
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
“Guess what!”
“What?”
“I went clubbing and did the Bus Driver last night!”
“Oh I love that dance move!”
“It’s a dance move?”
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist