cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
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Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
1: Can I do the cancan?
2: You mean may, not can
1: Can I do the canmay?
2: No, the first can
1: Can I do the maycan?
2: No. May I do the cancan
1: No
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I’m aging like a fine banana
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Olive Garden. Where the prices are high, but the expectations are low…
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles