Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
You Might Also Like
Being a little kid is so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and you just got your first paycheck from the tooth fairy. Life is good.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
dealer: *rifling through bags* hey these are full of cotton
baa baa black sheep: uhhh
dealer: *narrows eyes*
farmer listening in a nearby van: shit, he’s been made
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
freak people out in public restrooms by saying “come in” when they knock on the stall door
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you start to contemplate what kind of craziness she has going on with her feet that her shoes won’t fit even one single other person in the entire kingdom.
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
How can my wife’s hands not open a jar of pickles in the day, but become superhuman vice-grips at night when I want some covers?
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
How does one answer this?
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work