Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
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bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
I’m starting to think we won’t be getting Mambo number 6. If it was coming, it would have happened by now
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
So you think makeup is “lying”
Sir, if you believe I was born with sparkles on my eyelids and blue lips, that’s on you
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
They used to wear them halfway down their asses, and now they wear the one’s meant for girls…
Will boys ever get pants right!?
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”