Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
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drive thru: can I take your order?
me: no I want it
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.
doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.
me: when can i go again?
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
When you drive, be careful to look out for bikes. Sometimes they’re unchained so you can pull over and just take them.
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Screamed from the other room for somebody to bring me toilet paper only to be ignored.
Olive Garden wasn’t lying. When you’re here, you really are family.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*