Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
![]()
You Might Also Like
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
me: *clutching arm* the bark is worse than the bite
gf: how did you get bitten by a tree
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
![]()
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
how high up are we talkin’?
![]()
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
![]()
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
My husband obviously loves my style, anytime I say “How do I look?” He doesn’t even have to look at me, he just replies “Gorgeous.”
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Just got ejected from my son’s little league game for arguing with the ump. I didn’t really care about the call, I just got bored and needed an excuse to leave.
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.