I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
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It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.
Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?
Me: AGAIN with the questions!!
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Dear ladies,
if you compliment a man’s car when he’s standing next to it, he’ll kick the car’s tires. Please don’t make it weird by asking why we are kicking the car. Nobody asks why you rub nonexistent hair off your forehead when we tell you you look beautiful.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”