As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just đ
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Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt thatâs a morning person.
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Welcome to twitter, someone will be disrespecting you shortly.
[at a racetrack]
DATE: Which horse are you betting on?
ME: I don’t have a horse in this race
DATE: That’s fair
ANNOUNCER: [over speakers] Wow, folks, it looks like a large raccoon has just rolled onto the track
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
Me: how about a sexy rendezvous?
Him: did you just pronounce it ren-dezz-vuss?
Me: weâre texting
Him: I heard it
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, Iâd love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Brain: She’s cute, talk to her…
Me: but what should I say?
Brain: ask her if she likes meat…
Me: What?
Brain: c’mon man, do it…
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a TargetÂŽ. now he’s doing time for doing time
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.
Guys criticizing womenâs pics on here are like, âyes, youâve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me â but that roast is a little overdone, Iâve seen better in a cookbook onceâ
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
Okay, Iâll bite, what is âthe Beatlesâ
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
My co-workerâs wife just had her baby, so I told him âHappy⌠uh⌠baby!â because I couldnât remember that normal humans say âcongratulations,â and that tells you everything you need to know about me
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go