me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
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[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
It’s amazing that whales have evolved to live for over 700 years and humans have evolved to spread misinformation online! Nature’s wonders!
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar