I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
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I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
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HEYYYY MACARENA
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
your honor, what are you doing after this. the dating apps aren’t working for me
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women